What AM I doing here?
What are You doing here?
What AM I doing here?
It’s definitely something I spend time thinking about. If you’ve had a dangerous or near death experience, or lost someone who meant a lot to you, you’ve probably thought the same thing. I’ve passed a couple exit points on my life timeline — as in had a couple “closer than comfortable” situations with accidents and medical emergencies in my life. First was when I was 19 and had a head-on colission with a drunk driver, and more recently, in 2019 when my appendix ruptured, and I refused to go to the hospital because my deductible was almost $8000 and I was afraid of the medical bills. (We will certainly circle back around to these stories later.. for now, just know that there are levels and layers to this shit, honey!)
What AM I still doing here?
I feel like an asshole to say it out loud – but I have something very big and very important to birth into the world. Something with Acupuncture – Chinese Medicine – Mediumship/Psychic/Esoteric – Healing – Mental Wellbeing. Something in that general wheelhouse. But on the level of an Oprah status. I have said I wanted to be the “Oprah of Acupuncture” on more than one occasion. However, I cannot speak to any specifics and I have no idea how this will actually manifest (which is why — asshole).
I am not such a narcissist to think that I am entitled to this level of clout without actually doing much more to reach it — I realize that this will involve continued growth in all aspects – clinically, personally, spiritually. I am not yet the person who can hold that much energy in my system, but I work on being more like that person every single day.
In my life – it feels like the most important choices I have made were instinctual and slightly subconscious. As in – when I consciously realized that I had made these drastic and dramatic choices, I completely freaked out and had a meltdown. Which happened dramatically in 2010 after the Relo-Cube had been picked up for transport to Oregon, when I moved from Wisconsin for Acupuncture school. Basically the moment that it was too late to go back and change anything, my conscious mind flipped a switch and I went into hysterical sobs of regret and remorse over leaving stability for the whimsy of personal fulfilment.
I’ve been nudged along a path, and I am not sure where I am going. I just trust that I can handle it. That took a lot of personal development work — TRUSTING that I can handle it. Most of my life was spent being cool on the outside, but freaking out on the inside. Basically being so debilitatingly anxious that a crumb on the floor could leave me in hysterics. A car going 1 MPH below the speed limit on my rush to work could turn me inside out and make me ragingly angry. This place is a very intense and exhausting way to live – but it’s also very hard to let go. I had to be pushed to adrenal fatigue before I could loosen my vice grip on the illusion of “being in control.”
What AM I doing here?
I want to help people push past the personal barriers that have kept them stuck, limited, dissatisfied, miserable. I am qualifed to help because I have pushed through many obsticles myself, and I have learned a lot from my personal experiences. I am qualified to help because I have medical training. I am qualifed to help because it’s my soul’s calling.
So, someplace in all that is the future, unfolding. And maybe my story can help someone else – maybe just as entertainment. Maybe as advice. Maybe as a template for better or worse. And that’s what I AM doing here.
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