Sometimes I suck in relationships. But I’m working on it!
It’s Valentine’s Day! Seriously, though, most of my life has been spent with zero fucks to give about the St. Valentine Celebration. Not this year, though. I currently celebrate because Scot, my partner, wants to celebrate. He has a romantic side, and I do like getting presents.. He’s the perfect fit for me: a wonderful, (tall) guy who (also) has anxiety stuff, doesn’t like crowds, LOVES ACUPUNCTURE, likes to play outside, and enjoys a relaxing night in. It really was that love at first site whole thing. Swept me off my feet.. in 2017 and here we are going on 3 years later.
This year he sent a Valentine’s Bonsai tree to the clinic as my Vday present – it’s the perfect size – like a foot wide but still fits on the window sill. Last year he sent me a heart shaped succulent in a pot with a lady face on it. I can certainly say, it’s getting better over time. In all the capacities. And while I’m improving from where I was a couple years aso, one place I always seem to need more work: being extra sensitive, defensive, and argumentative when I feel frustrated and stressed. I yell at Scot. And his big thing is — No Yelling. He absolutely hates it. 100% can’t stand it, triggers him, hates it. And.. sometimes I’m a fucking problem.
One of the big challenges for me as an adult is learning how to manage my mind. Owning an Acupuncture clinic has been the best and worst of times in every single way. I put a lot of pressure on myself: to succeed financially (as in dig my way out of $20K credit card debt and $300K in Student Loans), to grow the business (as in have a 7 figure year in the next 5 years). I do not do much outside of my business. It’s not a priority for me to have a social life – it’s a priority to get this shit going.
Anyways, Scot’s one thing – don’t yell. My one thing back then – yelling. Not being in control of my anger and frustration, and subsequently taking it out on other people is a habit I have to watch and work on every day. As a person who has gone through some pretty serious trauma, I can have a hairpin trigger and lose my shit over nothing if I am not using my mental health tools and spiritual tools so to speak. I used to feel like I was justified in being angry – life is actually hard, and yes, challenges and blocks are unfair and painful. I told myself a lot of stories about why it was ok for me to road rage when people were going “too slow” as in under 10MPH over the speed limit. Legit – I tailgated a cop on my way to work once because I was running late. I couldn’t see that I was being an asshole to other people – I was focused on being angry and believing that I deserved to be angry because I was wronged. Truly, I was angry because these small grievences were actually scratching against all the other times I let people treat me like shit and not say anything about it. So it’s like every little thing is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I knew I had to fix it when Scot told me it was a big problem. I really felt embarassed when I learned that being angry really represents a hurt person becoming toxic. Which meant I was toxic. Which I hadn’t thought about.
Underneath anger is hurt that you haven’t voiced
Holy shit, right? When you really fall in love with someone, you will have to go to some scary places to make it work. There is a lot of value there, however. You can heal the scary spaces and transform as a fulfilled, healed person when you’re with the right partner. Everyone deserves to know which parts of them are truly them — and which parts are their bullshit stuff.
And with that – Happy Valentine’s Day! May love transform you too ❤️